I can’t believe what you said to me

It’s Friday! Friday means so much less in the summer. Every day is Friday if you are lucky/unlucky enough to be jobless. I’m constantly wondering, “What day is today?” It’s kind of strange.

There is something I want to write about, but I don’t really know if I can. You see I’m involved, but the story isn’t all mine. I can’t talk about my feelings without revealing the feelings and opinions of the other person involved. I would love to be able to write about it, I think it would help me gather my thoughts. Without saying too much here’s what I have:

As children we form simple friendships. We share a learning environment, play schoolyard games, have crushes on boys, and talk for hours on the phone about our favorite things on TV. We grow up. Boys become boyfriends. The circle of friends widens. We drift apart. We come back together. We count on each other for support when things fall apart. We start to learn our differences, the things that make us incompatible. Things that make us question the state of our friendship. How am I friends with this person? We are nothing alike. If I had just met her we probably wouldn’t be friends. But we’ve been friends for what seems like forever, half of our lives. So, we hold on to the friendship founded on elementary school playground games and music class sing-a-longs while navigating the tough waters of becoming adult friends…I know the rough seas will be a learning experience no matter where the ‘ship docks.

This won’t hurt more than a pinch

I need to commit myself to blogging again. Even if no one is reading, it’s good for me. It’s just nice to have a log of my day to day. The ups and downs of my silly little life. I also have things I want and need to say. It’s strange, I think in posts sometimes. I witness something or take part in something, and think about how I could write about it. I just need to follow through.

Quick Update:

• When I last blogged I was headed off to a girls weekend in NYC. It wasn’t quite the trip from hell, but I didn’t have as much fun as I would have liked. Maybe at some point I’ll post an edited version of an email I sent to a friend who couldn’t join us on the trip. It took me almost a week to recover from the stressful time in NYC.
• I had my Dexcom training on Friday, July 23. For some reason the trainer was shocked that I actually read the manual and watched the training video. Isn’t that what you are supposed to do? Each time I’ve had some sort of D related training the trainers are always amazed that I actually did my “homework”. Anyway to the point. I’m still working out how I feel about this new addition. I definitely feel part cyborg, and I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. The stupid transmitter is already falling off and I have 3 days to go. My cell phone has been banished to my purse so Sexy Dexy can sit in my spare, pumpless pocket. Yeah, Sexy Dexy. The Dex has done it’s job keeping me aware of plummeting blood sugars, but it also annoys the crap out of me. I can see how people start yell at these things or choosing not to wear them. It also really sucks to see your blood sugar skyrocket. The Dexcom is just there to shove it in your face while you frantically try anything to make your numbers come down. I have already been able to spot one trend that I was aware of without the Dex, early morning lows. Now I can see just when the numbers start nose diving and I used a temporary rate last night to wake up to these lovely results:I’ve already changed my basal rate to see if I can get a repeat performance. Hopefully this is one blood sugar problem crossed off the list. That is until school starts again. Then I’ll have a whole other set of blood sugar issues to do contend with.

Because these things will change. Can you feel it now?

It’s been a week. Whoops. I’ve been busy, but not really. Mostly I’ve just been relaxing. It’s nice to have a little free time. I’m not exactly a people person, so having a lot of alone time this past week has been great. I’m a little bored however, so I know should find a way to spend the rest of my summer. Maybe volunteer work? Who knows. I’ve got big news in the Diabetes department…

I got approved for full coverage of a Dexcom 7Plus! It got shipped yesterday, and I have training next Friday! Whooo soon I’ll be another one of you cool CGMS people. I’m not sure how I feel about the situation. I’m not too fond of the idea of an extra site and one more thing to carry around. But I know that having something to alert me about lows before they reach the 40’s I’ve been experiencing lately will be a good thing. I’ve also been having lows that hit me like a train out of nowhere. No symptoms. Scary. I know this is the next step and I’m ready. Hopefully the Dex will help me reign in my A1c, which was a whooping 7.3 as of yesterday. I’m aiming to get back under 7.

Anyway, I’ve got a lot to do. I’m headed to NYC for the weekend. I hope I can beat the heat and the low blood sugars I’m sure will happen from all the walking.

You’re gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow

Prepare for the pity party.

I’m in a weird place. I want so badly to be happy, but somehow I’m not. I know why I feel this way, for the most part, but I can’t figure out how to get out of this slump.

I pushed myself through this past school year. Some days were struggles, and others were completely easy. I think I’m just crashing down from it all. Things are changing except they aren’t. I feel like I’m standing on a city street while the world passes me by. I think I relied too much on school as an anchor. Without it, I feel like I am doing nothing.

My job was short lived. It would have been an excellent way to spend my free time. Almost all of my friends are working. Every member of my family drifts in and out of the house like it’s some type of hotel. Ultimately I think I’m bored, lonely, and a little depressed.

All of this free time only leaves room for me to over think any and everything. Should I have quit the job? I need another job. Do I want another job? Why can’t I get motivated? God I’m eating and sleeping a lot. Why can’t this summer be like last summer? I’m scared about this upcoming school year. Why did I commit to Psychology as my major? What can I do with that? But what can I do with my alternative major? What does American Studies even mean? Why isn’t anything exciting happening? How do I make something exciting happen? My friends are luckier than I am, in life, in love. Stop! You can’t think like this.

Then when I get myself to shut up, there is everyone else to deal with.

What are your plans? You need a job. You need to take out that loan. Why aren’t you listening? What are you doing? Do this. Do that. What’s wrong?

I just come back to the fact that this must be happening to other people, right? It’s a part of growing up. I’m trying to get it all together, such an elusive goal. I just need the time to figure it out, but that’s easier said than done. Life keeps moving, the pressure keeps building. It will settle. I’ll figure some of this out. I have to.

Someday I’ll be so damn much more

Picking up where I left off…

On Saturday, June 26 I quit my first job. It wasn’t a difficult decision. Honestly the thought had been brewing in my mind since my first day. There were too many signs that it wasn’t the job for me. I worked my last shift (12 flippin’ hours) and came in the next day to quit. I had hoped it would be a more, I don’t know… intimate experience? Well no. I walked in asked the manager if I could speak to her, she walked 2 steps from the register asked what I needed and when I told her all she had to say was, “well good luck”.  Then she proceeded to grab the server schedule and scratched my name out. I walked out feeling, a little deflated but better off. While I admit I probably should have given 2 weeks notice, I knew that I wouldn’t last another two weeks there. I was honest, but I didn’t bash her management style. I was gracious and thanked her for the opportunity. I don’t feel bad about it; I just wish it had gone a little differently. Thankfully karma, fate, or whatever must be on my side because the day I made the decision to quit was also the day I got some of the best news I’ve ever gotten.

I got into the Honors Academy at my school! This means a full tuition scholarship for the 2010-2011 school year. It doesn’t cover books, but I can figure that out. If that doesn’t scream it’s okay to quit, I don’t know what does. My best friend got the same scholarship, too. I really have her to thank for this. Without her, I wouldn’t be where I am today in terms of school. We got into this whole community college thing together, and even in its roughest moments we’ve made it through together. I was at work when she texted me her good news.

When I got off I called my house to ask if there was any mail for me. The response? A big envelope. I cried the entire way home. Opening the letter and reading it after a hellish day at the restaurant somehow made it mean more. I’ve had a rough few years. I threw myself into school this year, something I wasn’t sure I could do and it paid off. I’m not ashamed to say that I’m proud of myself. It may not have been the path I wanted, the traditional route, but I’m here and I’m doing well.

Now it’s all about what’s next. Finding another part time job. Picking a major. Continuing to grow.