I’m in a strange place.
You see, it’s almost July. I’ve spent the time since I graduated doing “nothing”. And by that I mean, hanging out with friends and applying for jobs half heartedly. The majority of my friends are working, but some are not. I had big plans for this summer and then they fell through. I wanted to take a class to get ahead of schedule at Scholarship University, but then my grandmother got sick and my mom wasn’t home to pay for my class and I couldn’t do it online because I wasn’t technically a student anymore at my CC. The deadline passed before we could work it all out.
My mom has a friend with a graphic design business and it seemed like there was an opportunity to “intern” with her. I figured I could spend my time between class and the internship, with flexibility to enjoy the summer with friends. None of that worked out.
Now everyday is a series of “when are you getting a job” interrogations from my parents, my sister, and sometimes my friends. I get it. I should be working. But so should a lot of people, and jobs are not easy to come by. Especially when you have NO experience and admittedly are uncomfortable with most entry level/typical summer jobs. I hate the idea of working with money, too much room for error. Just the thought of what customers and coworkers bring to the table makes me nervous. There’s also the whole “will it look good on the resume” thing, internships are better but they are usually unpaid. Let’s also not forget that at this point I’d be working for 6-8 weeks before leaving the job, if I found one today. I’ve applied a few places, but I feel like giving up. I’m trying my best to find all the on campus opportunities available for the fall. At least if I can line something up for then, I’ll feel less useless. For now. I’ll keep surfing craigslist and various other sources.
I feel like I want to enjoy my summer, but my financial status is looming overhead. I’d rather spend time this summer improving myself and preparing for this upcoming year, than counting change. But only time will tell…
Firework – Katy Perry
Picking up where I left off…
On Saturday, June 26 I quit my first job. It wasn’t a difficult decision. Honestly the thought had been brewing in my mind since my first day. There were too many signs that it wasn’t the job for me. I worked my last shift (12 flippin’ hours) and came in the next day to quit. I had hoped it would be a more, I don’t know… intimate experience? Well no. I walked in asked the manager if I could speak to her, she walked 2 steps from the register asked what I needed and when I told her all she had to say was, “well good luck”. Then she proceeded to grab the server schedule and scratched my name out. I walked out feeling, a little deflated but better off. While I admit I probably should have given 2 weeks notice, I knew that I wouldn’t last another two weeks there. I was honest, but I didn’t bash her management style. I was gracious and thanked her for the opportunity. I don’t feel bad about it; I just wish it had gone a little differently. Thankfully karma, fate, or whatever must be on my side because the day I made the decision to quit was also the day I got some of the best news I’ve ever gotten.
I got into the Honors Academy at my school! This means a full tuition scholarship for the 2010-2011 school year. It doesn’t cover books, but I can figure that out. If that doesn’t scream it’s okay to quit, I don’t know what does. My best friend got the same scholarship, too. I really have her to thank for this. Without her, I wouldn’t be where I am today in terms of school. We got into this whole community college thing together, and even in its roughest moments we’ve made it through together. I was at work when she texted me her good news.
When I got off I called my house to ask if there was any mail for me. The response? A big envelope. I cried the entire way home. Opening the letter and reading it after a hellish day at the restaurant somehow made it mean more. I’ve had a rough few years. I threw myself into school this year, something I wasn’t sure I could do and it paid off. I’m not ashamed to say that I’m proud of myself. It may not have been the path I wanted, the traditional route, but I’m here and I’m doing well.
Now it’s all about what’s next. Finding another part time job. Picking a major. Continuing to grow.
I flew solo as a waitress this past weekend. Unfortunately, I started my first day with drama. I ripped my pump site out as I was running out the door. I would have been on time, but the snag made me 5 minutes late. I was greeted at the restaurant with an “I don’t care ‘sweetie’ 8:45 is 8:45”. Talk about starting out on the wrong foot in so many ways. I was angry because I explained the reasoning and the manager was still unreasonable. I felt so angry. I went to the restroom to take a deep breath and to stop myself from crying. I felt so violated. The manager knows about my Diabetes, I explained, I was only about 5 minutes late. I talked to them on the phone before I got there. I tried my best, and still I was scolded for something that was virtually out of my hands. Overall I’d say I was successful as a server. I made about $100 in tips and I never had more than 5 tables to take care of. The next day I got into a little tiff with the manager because I was trying to admit a mistake and she said to me, “If you would just listen you would learn.” If she had just listened to me she would have heard that I had ‘learned’ and I was trying to let her know! So frustrating. Letting the weekend sink in over this past week led me to a single conclusion. I cannot work at this restaurant. It’s clearly not good for my physical health since managing my Diabetes doesn’t seem to fit in there. I’ve seen a 40-point spike in my averages since starting the job. My health is worth more than tips on a table. Emotionally, I just can’t be verbally abused or watch as the manager does that to other people. I don’t want to be an accomplice to her disrespectful tactics. If I can’t change her, I need to can my situation. I do not need to me this stressed. I shouldn’t be crying about how much I hate this place. I shouldn’t be withdrawn from my friends, family, and school. I’ll be working my last shift this evening, and quitting Saturday afternoon. I feel at peace with this decision. I have weighed it out. It is just not in my nature to accept this kind of situation, and I only wish that I could help my coworkers who will be stuck at the restaurant.
My next post will be full of good news.
So. I’m still dealing with terrible anxiety related issues. Mostly involving my GI tract acting a fool. I’m worried, because this is the same way I felt right before I left traditional high school. The only thing that’s giving me hope is that I have been able to push through it. I’m still getting up to go to my summer class 4 days a week, and I started my job this past weekend.
About my job… I’m a waitress. So far it’s just been training. Saturday, I kind of followed another girl around while she did her thing. Sunday, I worked with this guy and literally helped him make it through the day. I even overheard the manager say that I was good, just like she expected. But here’s the thing, I had so much trouble managing my Diabetes while running around the restaurant. I’m afraid that if it’s this way when I’m only training, it will be 10 times worse when I’m on my own. I excused myself to the bathroom a few times, but the day is long the running is constant and the stress is high. Saturday I ended the day at a respectable, but falling 104 mg/dL. Sunday was not the same story. I walked out of the restaurant exhausted, sweaty and at a blood sugar of 323 mg/dL. I can speculate the reasons these two days ended differently, but I’ll never know exactly. I just know that around 2PM Sunday I considered walking in to the kitchen and quitting like some dramatic movie scene. I was hot, I wanted to throw up, and I had no idea what my blood sugar was because the restaurant was too busy to go check it. I told the manager when I was hired that I had Type 1 Diabetes and I would need to be able to test whenever possible, and she seemed understanding. But it became more and more clear as I went through the training that is wasn’t going to be that simple. I don’t know how to balance my “I’m just as capable as these other waiters” attitude with the “I need to take care of myself before I can take of anyone else” idea on top of following the rules of the restaurant. I want this job. I’m good at it so far. But I don’t know how to handle it and my Diabetes. I came home from work Sunday and had one of those epic, “I hate this disease” moments. My mom and I talked about seriously pursuing CGMS. She even called my doctor Monday morning, but the secretary gave her the Medtronic CGMS rep’s phone number instead of the Dexcom guy. Which is understandable since my mom didn’t specify and most of my doctor’s patients are on Medtronic pumps. But even if I do get the CGMS, which is thankfully covered 100% by our wonderful insurance it won’t help me tonight when I go back, or Saturday, or Sunday when I’m officially on my own as a waitress…