I’m guessing this is growing up

16 Mar

When you’re younger you watch movies about growing up, the beginnings and ends of friendships, moving on. Plots so relevant you know that one day those characters’ stories will become your own. The only thing is, you never know when those moments will be a part of your life until you get there.

I’m think I’m there now.

I’m watching friendships dissolve because of boys, but really because there wasn’t much of a friendship to begin with. It’s amazing that you can spend years considering someone a friend, and then one day you just realize it was all a charade. Relationship of convenience, mutual friends, common interests but no true knowledge of the other person at all. Personalities clash, yet you still hang on to what could have been, what should have been. Learning to let go, drifting apart. Burning bridges, but building stronger ones with the people who matter.

More people than I can count are trying to make decisions about a future they are afraid of. Live at home? Out of state? Scholarships? Tuition? Questions that all need answers before most of them even have a foot in the door of adulthood. I didn’t apply to college. I’ve edited countless college essays, but have yet to write one of my own. There are many layers to the true reason why I didn’t, couldn’t. Honestly, I haven’t completed enough school to even consider sending an application. Seventeen years old and I have 13 credits to complete before I can receive a diploma. That’s almost two years worth of work. I’m mad at my life and myself. I lie to people and tell them that I’ll go to community college in the fall, and then transfer to the four-year school in town. It’s easier that way, fewer questions to answer. The truth is, I wish I could fast forward. I don’t want to make big decisions. I want to be older. I want to get through this.

My best friend’s parents are finalizing their divorce next month. Her mom is working two jobs to keep their house, because her father won’t contribute to the family. He just left them. Two amazing daughters, a dedicated wife, this is not the American dream they had when they moved here twelve years ago. She deserves more, and there isn’t much I can do to help.

My parents have been married for twenty-eight years, most of which have been spent in a constant state of “getting through the situation”. They are just now realizing that maybe all of this hasn’t been positive. I’ve known for years. I can’t tell them what my dream family would be like or what I think should happen next, but I know I don’t want to be a part of this family if it remains this way. I say things like, “I don’t want to leave you behind, but I will if you don’t try to fix this.” I don’t want to leave, but sometimes it feels like staying will only do me harm.

I don’t know if this clarity is something unique to the true end of childhood or just the natural way of life’s little cross roads. I just hope that like in the movies things work out for the best, even if it’s not what I expect.


2 Responses to “I’m guessing this is growing up”

  1. Naomi March 17, 2009 at 9:41 pm #

    Hey Jillian! I’ve nominated you for an Honest Scrap award. Check my blog for details. And I think you should keep those scraps of paper with blog ideas (from your previous post) in a “drawer of good ideas.” I knew a poet who had one of those. Then when she got stuck, she’d reach in the drawer, pull out an idea, and start writing.


  1. I’m writing you a symphony of sound. « All Ways Jillian - November 2, 2009

    […] songs start with my March 16, 2009 post and scatter from […]

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