I get so caught up everyday, trying to keep it all together

6 May

They say the first step is admitting that you have a problem.

I have a problem expressing myself to the people in my life.

Sadly, I know exactly why I am the way I am, but that doesn’t make it any easier to change. It’s one part learned behavior, one part life experience, one part personality. I come from a family that has had more memories made in crisis than peace. I’ve grown used to our “BANG! Now what?” way of life. I know how to ride the storm because I learned from the best, my mother.

The guidebook is fairly easy to follow…

Never tell anyone what’s going on. It’s a lot like Las Vegas…What happens in this family, stays in this family.

Never let them see the cracks. Everything is okay, even when it’s not.

If you do have to share anything, lie or tell as little as possible.

Do not burden anyone else with your problems. You are protecting them and yourself from unnecessary pain.

With a rulebook like that it makes sharing anything personal near impossible. You learn ways to keep people at a distance. I could teach a class in the art of avoidance and aloofness, but it’s not something I’m proud of. I’m so good that most people don’t even notice when they’ve told me their life story and they know nothing about me. But problems arise when someone figures out my scheme. Sometimes I wish I could be different, but change doesn’t happen over night. My past will always be a part of who I am. I don’t want to be trapped alone with my experiences, but sharing them is not something I’m comfortable with. I process things on my own, which is difficult for most people to understand. I could say, “I don’t need you,” but that would be a lie. I just don’t need you in the way you want me to need you. Letting people in is not my style, it has nothing to do with you. I am who I am. I can’t be who you want me to be right now, but everyday I try to be a better me. I hope that’s enough for you, for now.

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