I know that there are people out there who don’t believe that anxiety or any other mental health issue is real, but they are. I know from personal experience. If I were to trace it back I’ve actually had some sort of anxiety since I was about 4 years old, and that’s just what I can remember. The thing about anxiety that makes it so difficult is that it takes everything from you in an instant or it lasts like a slow burn.
I’ve been having a rough couple of weeks. At first, it was just because I was starting a summer class. That honors application was due June 1. Then, I was job hunting and I got a job. The job starts on Saturday. I have 2 tests this week and 3 next week. I have an interview tomorrow. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I’m in constant motion even when I’m not moving. My anxiety is eating away at me. I want to scream. I feel it all over my body. It’s like every cell is being squeezed tight waiting to burst. This is new. Anxiety used to be more about panic for me. Situation occurs…panic attack in response. Now it’s something that’s right at the surface wishing, waiting, hoping to explode. I’ve been trying really hard to keep myself calm, doing things to lessen my stress, but nothing is working. It’s still there. Eating away at me. Right under my skin.
I do not want to rely on medication for panic attacks the way I have been for the last month.
Nothing feels right.
I want to sleep. No, I want to run. I’m hungry, just kidding. I can do this homework. I hate homework. I can handle this. No, I can’t. Back and forth.
The fighter in me wants to stick it out, and the quitter knows that I’m ready to bow out.
I need a mental health day, but there aren’t enough days to take a day off. I’m struggling. I’m trying. I don’t know.
Friday’s doctor’s appointment can not come soon enough.