I think that keeping this up could be dangerous

8 Jun

I know that there are people out there who don’t believe that anxiety or any other mental health issue is real, but they are. I know from personal experience. If I were to trace it back I’ve actually had some sort of anxiety since I was about 4 years old, and that’s just what I can remember. The thing about anxiety that makes it so difficult is that it takes everything from you in an instant or it lasts like a slow burn.

I’ve been having a rough couple of weeks. At first, it was just because I was starting a summer class. That honors application was due June 1. Then, I was job hunting and I got a job. The job starts on Saturday. I have 2 tests this week and 3 next week. I have an interview tomorrow. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I’m in constant motion even when I’m not moving. My anxiety is eating away at me. I want to scream. I feel it all over my body. It’s like every cell is being squeezed tight waiting to burst. This is new. Anxiety used to be more about panic for me. Situation occurs…panic attack in response. Now it’s something that’s right at the surface wishing, waiting, hoping to explode. I’ve been trying really hard to keep myself calm, doing things to lessen my stress, but nothing is working. It’s still there. Eating away at me. Right under my skin.

I do not want to rely on medication for panic attacks the way I have been for the last month.

Nothing feels right.

I want to sleep. No, I want to run. I’m hungry, just kidding. I can do this homework. I hate homework. I can handle this. No, I can’t. Back and forth.

The fighter in me wants to stick it out, and the quitter knows that I’m ready to bow out.

I need a mental health day, but there aren’t enough days to take a day off. I’m struggling. I’m trying. I don’t know.

Friday’s doctor’s appointment can not come soon enough.

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2 Responses to “I think that keeping this up could be dangerous”

  1. S.Mc June 9, 2010 at 5:17 pm #

    I think that a big problem with mental health is that we are all still so silent about it. We’ve become vocal about plenty of other things, but there is still a stigma attached to mental health issues which keeps so many people quiet. So thank you, first of all, for being brave and posting this.

    I know what it’s like to just want your mind to slow down so can actually work. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Jillian, keep your head up! Things will settle down (they always do). If it helps at all, you’re not alone!!

  2. colleen June 9, 2010 at 5:25 pm #

    Try to find a few mental health minutes. Quiet music, a comfy chair… those help me when things seem to be just too overwhelming. Take a walk around the block, whatever you find that works for you.
    You are a fighter, in addition to being an amazing young woman.
    I’ll be thinking about you.

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