You’re gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow

8 Jul

Prepare for the pity party.

I’m in a weird place. I want so badly to be happy, but somehow I’m not. I know why I feel this way, for the most part, but I can’t figure out how to get out of this slump.

I pushed myself through this past school year. Some days were struggles, and others were completely easy. I think I’m just crashing down from it all. Things are changing except they aren’t. I feel like I’m standing on a city street while the world passes me by. I think I relied too much on school as an anchor. Without it, I feel like I am doing nothing.

My job was short lived. It would have been an excellent way to spend my free time. Almost all of my friends are working. Every member of my family drifts in and out of the house like it’s some type of hotel. Ultimately I think I’m bored, lonely, and a little depressed.

All of this free time only leaves room for me to over think any and everything. Should I have quit the job? I need another job. Do I want another job? Why can’t I get motivated? God I’m eating and sleeping a lot. Why can’t this summer be like last summer? I’m scared about this upcoming school year. Why did I commit to Psychology as my major? What can I do with that? But what can I do with my alternative major? What does American Studies even mean? Why isn’t anything exciting happening? How do I make something exciting happen? My friends are luckier than I am, in life, in love. Stop! You can’t think like this.

Then when I get myself to shut up, there is everyone else to deal with.

What are your plans? You need a job. You need to take out that loan. Why aren’t you listening? What are you doing? Do this. Do that. What’s wrong?

I just come back to the fact that this must be happening to other people, right? It’s a part of growing up. I’m trying to get it all together, such an elusive goal. I just need the time to figure it out, but that’s easier said than done. Life keeps moving, the pressure keeps building. It will settle. I’ll figure some of this out. I have to.

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