All we have is what’s left today

19 Sep

Today is my birthday. I’m nineteen, which isn’t really a significant age. I suppose if you think about it, it’s the last teenage year. But I haven’t had the most conventional teen years, so that doesn’t really mean much to me. I’ve felt old since I was a kid, one part personality and one part life experience. So it’s just another year complete.

A few weeks ago I wrote myself a letter. It was a silly little thing my friends and I decided to do for a time capsule. I told myself to be happy, have a good life, and hello from the future. That letter inspired me to write another one for my birthday. One filled with short-term goals, hope, and a little fear of the unknown. I was going to post it today, but I never got the chance to finish it. Life got in the way as it usually does. I can’t finish it. Not today.

The last few days have been rough.

Friday, I guess it started with a birthday party my friends planned. I was excited, or as excited as a person who doesn’t like birthday parties can be. I just wanted to spend time with my friends. We went out to a restaurant, the service was terrible and the food was just okay. It wasn’t that though. For some reason, I could just feel this shift in the dynamics of our little group. I felt removed, almost casted aside at my own party. At one point I remember looking up and locking eyes with one of my friends, we both recognized that something was wrong. On the way home, the same friend and I discussed the evening and we were both just so confused. When did things change? I ended up crying as I drove home from her house. Happy birthday.

Yesterday, I attended a birthday party for my best friend. (Her real birthday was Thursday.) The whole reason I was invited is complicated. She has a boyfriend that her mom doesn’t know about. He was there with his family, who her mom just thinks of as family friends. I was there as a calming presence, a wing woman of sorts. But I was also there to assess this boy. They have been dating for 3 months and I didn’t meet him until last night. I don’t want to say how I feel here, and I also don’t want to tell my friend. She’s really sensitive and sometimes the things I say don’t come out the way I want them to. I don’t want to offend, hurt, or disappoint her. Like I said, it’s complicated.

Today is my birthday. I’m nineteen, and today all I want is my mommy. Unfortunately, the simple but special birthday I was prepared for isn’t a reality. My grandmother is in the hospital, which means my mom is preoccupied. The things that were supposed to happen today aren’t going to happen. I’ve got so much work to do for school. I’ve been crying all morning. I’m drowning. Today is my birthday. Happy birthday…

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2 Responses to “All we have is what’s left today”

  1. colleen September 19, 2010 at 6:21 pm #

    I’ve been thinking about you today. I have no advice for a sad birthday even though I’ve had my share of them. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. ((Hug))
    Hope your grandmother is doing better, soon.

  2. Lorraine September 20, 2010 at 6:08 pm #

    I’m sorry your birthday didn’t turn out the way you wanted. I hope things have improved and you and your grandma are both doing better.

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