Can’t be your savior, I don’t have the power*

6 Feb

The following is a message to a friend. I don’t have the energy to handle this situation yet, so I’m posting it here where it’s unlikely to be read by more than a few people. Comments Closed.

 

Here’s the thing. I really don’t want to stir the pot. I feel like we are in a semi-good place, however forced or fake it may be on both sides. But I can’t keep these things to myself. I want to be able to deal with my problems not bottle them up.

First, let me say that I’m happy you seem to be focusing on school and realizing how important it is for your future. I’m proud of you for that. I also want to say I think it’s good that it seems like your mom has come around a bit to your relationship, although these are just assumptions since I hardly speak to you. But I know that I need to say some things for my own sake since you’ve had no problem calling me out and hurting me in the past.

To put it simply you have really hurt a lot of people recently and I’m sick of making excuses for you. I’m only going to speak for myself here though. I still don’t understand where all your bitterness came from in our last conversation (message). I can’t believe that you would think so poorly of me. I wish I could say that you probably said those things out of anger and in the heat of the moment, but we both know that there is truth in everything a person says. So I’ll take the bitter pill you’ve given me and swallow it, even though I disagree with much of what you accused me of. I know who I am, I know what I stand for, and my intentions, and if you don’t that’s totally fine.

I want to tell you that certain actions have felt like a slap in the face for me. It feels so elementary school to even bring this up. I don’t know what your intentions were with your two most recent profile pictures, but your captions hurt. The timing was not coincidental to what you and I were going through, although I’m sure our other friends were spun into that too. I recognize that I have not been the best of friends to you, or risen to your standards, but it was completely unnecessary from my perspective. In this case your actions and words spoke very loudly.

I find it so hard to deal with us when we have good moments because I feel like they are fake and forced and just glossing over real issues so no one is uncomfortable. It’s what’s easy for us, how we’ve always handled things. We left everything so up in the air with our last discussion. I’ve been telling myself that I’m totally okay with riding out this semester and then just calling it quits because it feels like there really is no saving us. I don’t want to face that fact, but it feels so inevitable. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I just needed to say it. I don’t want to fight or cry or get bitchy. I can’t any more. I’m going to have to let go. It’s just so hard.

 

Circle The Drain – Katy Perry

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