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This cycle never ends. Gotta fall in order to mend.

13 Dec

Whoaaaaa. I can’t believe I left that last post up for so long. Sorry for that… if anyone is even still reading this.

The fall semester is over for all intents and purposes. I just have 3 final exams over the next week. I can’t believe I made it. There were points where I hit lows I didn’t feel I could recover from. So much changed from my community college life to the 4 year school I’m currently attending. It’s been difficult. I miss the closeness, the “community” of it all. One thing I’ve discovered this semester is a certain skill with 3-D art… I thought my final piece in particular would be of interest to the DOC.

 

It’s a body extension sculpture. Basically, I created a hood from insulin pump tubing, insulin bottles, and cartridges. The hood restricted the movement of my arms and required some balance to keep steady; restriction of diabetes. The supplies surround my head as a symbol for the way diabetes is always on my mind and impacts my decision making. I even left one tube hanging and connected it to my pump site during the presentation. It was a great success. A lot of the feedback included how delicate I was able to make the materials seem and the contrast between that and the harshness of the medical condition. One of my classmates even said something to the effect of “it’s so pretty, but it kind of freaks me out”. Mission accomplished.

 

I’ll be back over break. I’m hopping back into this blogging game. Happy Holidays!

 

Brand New Day – Joshua Radin

Would I be able to and would I be afraid?

20 Apr

I don’t know if I should be writing about this on the internet, but I need to get it out. I could try to be vague, but I don’t think it will work out. Here it is.

Let’s just say that there is an event coming up. You’ve known about it for a while. You have to participate in this event by speaking in front of a large crowd. You have made the other members of the presentation aware of your public speaking fears and even the administrators who are leading the event. Or so you think. Maybe you weren’t forceful enough. Maybe they thought you were kidding. Maybe they didn’t actually read the essay you wrote to get a scholarship they are in charge of that was ALL about ANXIETY. Maybe just maybe…

Now, let’s say someone who is your superior sends you a script after all of the above. And you have the second longest speaking part. In a panic you send an email voicing your concerns. The response is simply “that’s news to me”. NO it is NOT! And then when this person edits the script to give you two short sentences she sends you a separate email telling you that ‘late notice is hard to work with and you should keep this in mind for the future’. I just replied with a thank you and I’ll keep that in mind.

I’ve got a month left. A week until this event. I can ride this out, but I know I’m not wrong. I know I voiced my concerns early. It isn’t my fault that I wasn’t heard. I know what I said. I don’t want to be upset. But I can’t help but be. I think it’s unprofessional to say you are an advisor and then treat someone the way I was just treated. Maybe just maybe…

It’s All Your Fault – Pink

You’ve hit your low. You’ve lost control.*

4 Jan

It’s only the fourth day of the new year and I’m already exhausted.

It’s safe to say I’m an introvert. Surprising since I chose to write about my life on the internet, right? But honestly I draw more from myself than other people, that’s a simple version of the Myers-Briggs definition for an introvert.

I am the queen of days off and quiet time. Winter break does not lend itself to these types of activities. It’s all about making plans with the friends you won’t see until spring break and for some until the summer. We jam pack adventures to the city, nights of dancing, sleepovers, and five hour lunch discussions into a brief 4 weeks before the focus shifts and we head our separate ways back to school.

To a certain extent I love the time I spend with my friends, but it can be draining. I think I’m going to need a break from them before I have a break down. So after this brief trip to the city I’ll be taking a few days off to refocus, start writing college application essays, prepare for my winter class, and the coming semester. I think this is one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned over time. It’s okay to take a break. So I will.

* Just A Feeling – Maroon 5

All we have is what’s left today

19 Sep

Today is my birthday. I’m nineteen, which isn’t really a significant age. I suppose if you think about it, it’s the last teenage year. But I haven’t had the most conventional teen years, so that doesn’t really mean much to me. I’ve felt old since I was a kid, one part personality and one part life experience. So it’s just another year complete.

A few weeks ago I wrote myself a letter. It was a silly little thing my friends and I decided to do for a time capsule. I told myself to be happy, have a good life, and hello from the future. That letter inspired me to write another one for my birthday. One filled with short-term goals, hope, and a little fear of the unknown. I was going to post it today, but I never got the chance to finish it. Life got in the way as it usually does. I can’t finish it. Not today.

The last few days have been rough.

Friday, I guess it started with a birthday party my friends planned. I was excited, or as excited as a person who doesn’t like birthday parties can be. I just wanted to spend time with my friends. We went out to a restaurant, the service was terrible and the food was just okay. It wasn’t that though. For some reason, I could just feel this shift in the dynamics of our little group. I felt removed, almost casted aside at my own party. At one point I remember looking up and locking eyes with one of my friends, we both recognized that something was wrong. On the way home, the same friend and I discussed the evening and we were both just so confused. When did things change? I ended up crying as I drove home from her house. Happy birthday.

Yesterday, I attended a birthday party for my best friend. (Her real birthday was Thursday.) The whole reason I was invited is complicated. She has a boyfriend that her mom doesn’t know about. He was there with his family, who her mom just thinks of as family friends. I was there as a calming presence, a wing woman of sorts. But I was also there to assess this boy. They have been dating for 3 months and I didn’t meet him until last night. I don’t want to say how I feel here, and I also don’t want to tell my friend. She’s really sensitive and sometimes the things I say don’t come out the way I want them to. I don’t want to offend, hurt, or disappoint her. Like I said, it’s complicated.

Today is my birthday. I’m nineteen, and today all I want is my mommy. Unfortunately, the simple but special birthday I was prepared for isn’t a reality. My grandmother is in the hospital, which means my mom is preoccupied. The things that were supposed to happen today aren’t going to happen. I’ve got so much work to do for school. I’ve been crying all morning. I’m drowning. Today is my birthday. Happy birthday…

You’re gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow

8 Jul

Prepare for the pity party.

I’m in a weird place. I want so badly to be happy, but somehow I’m not. I know why I feel this way, for the most part, but I can’t figure out how to get out of this slump.

I pushed myself through this past school year. Some days were struggles, and others were completely easy. I think I’m just crashing down from it all. Things are changing except they aren’t. I feel like I’m standing on a city street while the world passes me by. I think I relied too much on school as an anchor. Without it, I feel like I am doing nothing.

My job was short lived. It would have been an excellent way to spend my free time. Almost all of my friends are working. Every member of my family drifts in and out of the house like it’s some type of hotel. Ultimately I think I’m bored, lonely, and a little depressed.

All of this free time only leaves room for me to over think any and everything. Should I have quit the job? I need another job. Do I want another job? Why can’t I get motivated? God I’m eating and sleeping a lot. Why can’t this summer be like last summer? I’m scared about this upcoming school year. Why did I commit to Psychology as my major? What can I do with that? But what can I do with my alternative major? What does American Studies even mean? Why isn’t anything exciting happening? How do I make something exciting happen? My friends are luckier than I am, in life, in love. Stop! You can’t think like this.

Then when I get myself to shut up, there is everyone else to deal with.

What are your plans? You need a job. You need to take out that loan. Why aren’t you listening? What are you doing? Do this. Do that. What’s wrong?

I just come back to the fact that this must be happening to other people, right? It’s a part of growing up. I’m trying to get it all together, such an elusive goal. I just need the time to figure it out, but that’s easier said than done. Life keeps moving, the pressure keeps building. It will settle. I’ll figure some of this out. I have to.

A working class hero is something to be

17 Jun

So. I’m still dealing with terrible anxiety related issues. Mostly involving my GI tract acting a fool. I’m worried, because this is the same way I felt right before I left traditional high school. The only thing that’s giving me hope is that I have been able to push through it. I’m still getting up to go to my summer class 4 days a week, and I started my job this past weekend.

About my job… I’m a waitress. So far it’s just been training. Saturday, I kind of followed another girl around while she did her thing. Sunday, I worked with this guy and literally helped him make it through the day. I even overheard the manager say that I was good, just like she expected. But here’s the thing, I had so much trouble managing my Diabetes while running around the restaurant. I’m afraid that if it’s this way when I’m only training, it will be 10 times worse when I’m on my own. I excused myself to the bathroom a few times, but the day is long the running is constant and the stress is high. Saturday I ended the day at a respectable, but falling 104 mg/dL. Sunday was not the same story. I walked out of the restaurant exhausted, sweaty and at a blood sugar of 323 mg/dL. I can speculate the reasons these two days ended differently, but I’ll never know exactly. I just know that around 2PM Sunday I considered walking in to the kitchen and quitting like some dramatic movie scene. I was hot, I wanted to throw up, and I had no idea what my blood sugar was because the restaurant was too busy to go check it. I told the manager when I was hired that I had Type 1 Diabetes and I would need to be able to test whenever possible, and she seemed understanding. But it became more and more clear as I went through the training that is wasn’t going to be that simple. I don’t know how to balance my “I’m just as capable as these other waiters” attitude with the “I need to take care of myself before I can take of anyone else” idea on top of following the rules of the restaurant. I want this job. I’m good at it so far. But I don’t know how to handle it and my Diabetes. I came home from work Sunday and had one of those epic, “I hate this disease” moments. My mom and I talked about seriously pursuing CGMS. She even called my doctor Monday morning, but the secretary gave her the Medtronic CGMS rep’s phone number instead of the Dexcom guy. Which is understandable since my mom didn’t specify and most of my doctor’s patients are on Medtronic pumps. But even if I do get the CGMS, which is thankfully covered 100% by our wonderful insurance it won’t help me tonight when I go back, or Saturday, or Sunday when I’m officially on my own as a waitress…

I think that keeping this up could be dangerous

8 Jun

I know that there are people out there who don’t believe that anxiety or any other mental health issue is real, but they are. I know from personal experience. If I were to trace it back I’ve actually had some sort of anxiety since I was about 4 years old, and that’s just what I can remember. The thing about anxiety that makes it so difficult is that it takes everything from you in an instant or it lasts like a slow burn.

I’ve been having a rough couple of weeks. At first, it was just because I was starting a summer class. That honors application was due June 1. Then, I was job hunting and I got a job. The job starts on Saturday. I have 2 tests this week and 3 next week. I have an interview tomorrow. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I’m in constant motion even when I’m not moving. My anxiety is eating away at me. I want to scream. I feel it all over my body. It’s like every cell is being squeezed tight waiting to burst. This is new. Anxiety used to be more about panic for me. Situation occurs…panic attack in response. Now it’s something that’s right at the surface wishing, waiting, hoping to explode. I’ve been trying really hard to keep myself calm, doing things to lessen my stress, but nothing is working. It’s still there. Eating away at me. Right under my skin.

I do not want to rely on medication for panic attacks the way I have been for the last month.

Nothing feels right.

I want to sleep. No, I want to run. I’m hungry, just kidding. I can do this homework. I hate homework. I can handle this. No, I can’t. Back and forth.

The fighter in me wants to stick it out, and the quitter knows that I’m ready to bow out.

I need a mental health day, but there aren’t enough days to take a day off. I’m struggling. I’m trying. I don’t know.

Friday’s doctor’s appointment can not come soon enough.