So I made it though DBlog week and now I’m trying to find a way to make a comeback.
The problem is, I have so many problems.
Some of which I’ve discussed before. I’m not sure how I feel about putting my life on the Internet anymore. BUT I feel such a need to express my thoughts. It’s also a bit boring to write for a small audience, although I wouldn’t want the pressure of audience expectations either. It has never been my intention to write for an audience, I want to write for myself. But there is something great about feedback that makes me want to keep writing. There is also the fact that a good amount of what I want to write about involves outside parties or facts I don’t have the emotional capacity to face. It can be very emotional to pull together my best post ideas. Where does this leave me? I’m not sure.
So many contradictions! Welcome to my brain. How about we move on to something lighter while I try to figure this out?
Does anyone still watch American Idol? I’m pretty good with predicting winners and this year was no exception. So congrats to the crooning cutie Phillip Phillips! I guess America couldn’t resist the sweet southern stylings, I know I couldn’t. He’s just adorable and a Virgo (like me, I have a thing for predicting that too). I hope his kidneys don’t continue to plague his career. In the words of my aunt, a 40-something mother of 3, “If I saw him on the street, I’d just run up and kiss him!”
Here’s the winning single:
I thought I was back in the swing of things. I was on a bit of a blogging streak. Honestly I have all the time in the world to sit and write. I don’t have a job to get up for every day or school. Honestly, not that jobs are just raining from the sky but I don’t see how finding a job at this point in the summer will even work out because I’ll quit it in the middle of August for school. I don’t think I can work while I’m in school full time, unless it’s one on campus. I know myself too well for that. I don’t want to take on too much in a time of transition.
Speaking of transition. I went to my orientation for the 4-year school yesterday. Registered for my classes. Learned the victory song. Got some campus swag and my photo ID. This school doesn’t feel like home. Just when I started to feel comfortable and make friends at community college, it all ended. I’m sure that with time, Scholarship University will be home too. It’s a big difference going from 10 people in a class to lecture halls of 100s. It’s also not nearly as diverse, which is something I’m just going to have to get used to.
I started this post thinking I would write about how I don’t want to write any more. How I miss the connection of the community that I feel has been lost for me, but also strengthened among some of the more prominent bloggers. How our community has become something it just wasn’t when I started. It’s a job for many of you. How nice for your life to be your job, but also how awful. I had an opportunity a few summers back to jump into the paid blogging world, and I turned it down. I often wonder if that was the right choice. The DOC in particular has moved in such an interesting direction, and while I still feel like it will always be my home base I can’t identify with the social media and sponsorship etc that has come to be common place. I don’t know what I’m saying really, it’s just an observation. I miss the old days. That seems to be a theme in my life lately.
But as much as I miss the old, I’m cautiously excited for the new. I just wish a few things would fall into place or work themselves out.
Sooner or Later – Michael Tolcher
There’s so much to say and so little time.
I just want to document that I’m probably the happiest I’ve been in quite sometime. I finally know where I’m headed. I’m busy. I’m working through it. I love my classes. I’m stretching creatively and emotionally. I pushing myself and it feels good. I could never have predicted I would be where I am right now, 2 years ago. I’m amazed by myself, by my life. What a crazy trip. I’m guilty of letting it all overtake me. I need to take the time to think of one good thing each day.
Today: I got an A on my second drawing portfolio! I’ve never taken a drawing class in my life and my professor said that she could see how much I push myself for perfection. I love it when someone can recognize how much something means to me and affirm that I am achieving my goals.
What’s your one thing?
Maybe I’m Amazed – Paul McCartney/Wings
Before my mother had my sister she was afraid of the idea of having a daughter for a simple reason. The hair. My mother is of Irish and Ukrainian descent. My father is African American. Meaning that any future child would be likely have naturally curly hair. Having a boy would be easy, keep it close, nothing to worry about. For a girl the solution would not be so simple. Hilariously, my sister was born almost bald. Eventually her hair evolved into waves and finally loose curls. Nothing too serious. Me on the other hand, I was born with a straight thick black mop of hair that my grandmother thought was a hat the first time she came to see me as a baby. The thick straight mop turn into a little curly afro, then waterfall of tight curls.
Over the years I’ve developed a complicated relationship with my hair. It’s been long, it’s been short, I’ve dyed it, straighten it, anything. Yesterday, I had my hair cut and blown dry straight. As my friend sat in the salon, mouth hanging open in amazement, I was kind of caught off guard. I’m used to the annoying people who think it’s okay to run their hands through my curly hair, like it’s rarity is an open invitation to do so. I’m not used to people treating me like straight hair makes me beautiful. I know my friend only intended to compliment the drastic change from curly to straight hair, but honestly it made me feel off. I like my hair curly. I’m okay with it. It makes me who I am. Straight hair is nice on some people, and it’s fun to change it up every once in awhile. But when people say things like “wow, you just look so great” a compliment I rarely receive from the same people when I have curly hair, I’m turned off. I know that straight hair is what’s preferred by many people, but it’s not my preference. I’ll never have movie star straight hair and I don’t want it. It just makes me sad that the people I know and love, prefer me as someone I’m not. Or think of me as more beautiful when I do something to change myself. So here… the beautiful me…
Seven years ago I was in sixth grade. My sister had just gone away to college. I was at the top of the elementary school food chain. Life was good. And then one day in October something changed. A shooting. And then a few more the next day. All within a short drive from where I live. We were living in the cross fires of the DC Sniper. During 3 weeks that October, 10 people were killed and 3 others were injured. I’ll never know the pain suffered by their families. I only remember complaining about indoor recess and the school lock down. I can remember watching the a police chief give updates on the news every afternoon. I don’t remember being very scared, probably because I didn’t know better.
Tomorrow at 9PM, the state of Virginia will execute the man who terrorized the DC area. It seems like time passed so quickly. For what seemed like the longest 20 days our area lived in fear, and now seven short years later “justice” will be served. I just honestly can’t believe it. I’m not quite sure how to feel.
Why is it that negativity is so much easier than positivity? I know I am guilty of constantly pointing out the negative things before considering the brighter side. I think in these trying times it’s easy to quickly point out how bad things are, but what good does that do us? Even if the only good thing is that things could be worse, that’s something. So today, 5 positive things that I love.
1) Sunny mornings that signal the promise of Spring.
2) Selling tickets to a concert for more than twice what I paid for them.
3) The reason I’m selling the tickets. The concert falls on the same night as a school coffee house, where I will help a friend ask his girlfriend to prom in front of the entire audience.
4) A text message from a friend asking me to come help make shirts for spirit week. Even though I obviously won’t be at school to see them, it’s nice to know I’m not forgotten.
5) Cookies and Cream ice cream for breakfast, because you only live once.
I’ve got a busy weekend ahead of me. After school sports, an improv show, a birthday party, you know the usual.
So on this gloomy morning I thought I would give you a chance to help me with my blogging skills. (If anyone is actually reading this thing.)
Here’s the deal. I have a few posts in the works aka written on scraps of paper or just memorized. One about growing up in my area and how I can’t imagine what it’s like to live somewhere without so much diversity. A tangent of that one, but more specific to growing up biracial. Another about summer memories. Something about my parents. An entire series on my mental health.
Anyway here’s where you come in… Do any of these sound good? What would you like to read first? Or do you have some other topics you are curious about? Obviously I’m open to suggestions.
Happy Friday the 13th!