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So I just let go of what I know I don’t know

20 Jun

I still haven’t figured out how I feel about this whole my life on the internet/what to share/privacy/are there rules? thing, but how can I expect to learn anything if I don’t even try to write? I think I just need to loosen up.

At first I hesitated moving away from writing strictly Diabetes related posts, the whole writing what you know thing. But honestly I’m more than Type 1 Diabetes. Hell, I haven’t even checked my glucose since 10 o’clock last night. This blog is called ALL Ways Jillian after all. So, I think my new challenge is to not worry about all the rules or doing it right, but just sharing. It starts today.

After an intense and way too fast 3 weeks of summer classes, I can officially say I’m a senior at Scholarship University. That really, really freaks me out. A year from now supposedly I’ll be ready for the real world. I have no idea what that will mean for me. I guess I have almost 12 months to figure it out…or not. Technically, I have my whole life to figure it out.
Tomorrow I’ll be on my way to spend about 5 weeks with my uncle and his family. After my grandmother’s death, I knew I had to take my aunt up on the offer to spend a good portion of the summer with them. I’ll be there as a live in babysitter and helping shuttle my little cousins around town. They live about 5 hours from us, so we only see them for holidays. I think it will be a really great experience, but this is also the first time I’ll be away from my house and family for more than a weekend. I’ve never been to camp or away to college, so it will be a huge change. Packing is so difficult. I have an entire bag of just D stuff, and I’m sure I’ve totally over packed in that department. So I’m off on an adventure. I’m sure I’ll have a lot to write about while I’m there, but I’m not sure when I’ll have another chance so until then I’ll leave you with this…

A great blog that posts photo outtakes and special moments from weddings…makes me smile every day: Moment Junkie

Living In The Moment – Jason Mraz

Cause you caught me off guard…

2 May

On Saturday, I did something I’ve never done before. I gave up control.

You see the plan was to spend the day doing volunteer work with a local Christmas in April program. It all started very early because I had to pick up a few classmates on my way to the work site. First mistake, in my rush out the door I forgot to put a new battery in my pump. After a picking up one of the boys we stopped for breakfast, then moved on to pick up another volunteer.

At the work site, the home of a hoarder, there were tons of jobs to do. I tried to pick on that was only a little bit physical, so monitoring my blood sugar wouldn’t be as much of a problem. I spent about 2 hours painting with my pump turned OFF. My blood sugar was in the mid 100’s, safe. Unfortunately, it soon started to rise. I corrected to no avail. I drank water and continued with my work. By 2 PM, I figured out that at some point during the early afternoon my pump had stopped delivering because of the dead battery. I guess I was too distracted by the work and my friends that I didn’t hear it.

Then it was time to leave.

I had to ask someone else to drive my car.

I hated having to admit my weakness to a boy I barely know. Thankfully we had all talked briefly about diabetes and my insulin pump earlier in the day, but it still made me uncomfortable. Everyone was ready to go and I couldn’t risk the one hour (plus) drive with a pump that needed a battery, and I didn’t want to slow down the trip. So I after a little bit of a conversation, he took the keys and we left. After dropping off the first person, my pump was back to work and my blood sugar was going down so I was able to drive the rest of the way. When everyone else was out of the car, I thanked him and took him to get a smoothie. I don’t even think that was enough. He probably won’t ever know how much his ease in taking over the driving duties meant. I trusted him, because I had to and he did it with very little complaint even though I know he didn’t completely understand why he had to do it.

There is so much to control when you have diabetes. Testing. Site changes. Do I have insulin? Are the prescriptions ordered? Do I have low treatments? A syringe in case of emergency? Am I within the target zone?

I know that for me, this kind of control seeps into other areas of my life. I like things done in my own way. No one else drives my car. I like my shoes to be organized one way. I like my hair to be a certain way. I like to be in control. I “need” to be in control.

It’s scary when I have to give it up.

Hero/Heroine – Boys Like Girls

Is there anyone out there?

21 Apr

Random thoughts:

  • I’ve been really into my horoscope lately. Probably because it’s so spot on. I am truly a virgo.
  • I really love Casey on American Idol. Like a lot.
  • DWTS I ❤ Kirstie and Maks!
  • Justin Bieber needs to come out with a summer jam. Yeah I said it. JUSTIN BIEBER!
  • I’m graduating in just over a month!
  • True Blood June 26!
  • I need a job…but I know it will all work out.
  • I can’t decide if I should take a painting or drawing class this summer. Maybe sculpture?
  • It’s cold outside. Yesterday it was 85. Spring is weird.
  • Boys…waste of time.
  • Friends…life is simpler when you keep the best ones super close.
  • I’d make a horrible roommate.

    Fin.

Harder to BreatheMaroon 5 (Performed by Casey Abrams)

I can’t keep up with your turning tables

8 Apr

Uh so. Maybe I spoke too soon.

Is it a sign that my admissions didn’t go through, meaning that I haven’t been able to put down my deposit for  First Choice University? Is is a sign that I think I did really well with my interview at the University of Scholarship. So well in fact that the full scholarship feels like it’s already in my bank account? I hate to second guess. I like to lay out my thoughts and make a solid decision. I thought I’d done that. I convinced myself that I could go to First Choice University even if they didn’t give me the best offer. But now I don’t know.

Oprah (yeah I know, shut up) says something like “first you get a whisper, then a brick, then a brick wall.” Was the whisper the fact that the advisor I love from First Choice University is stepping down and I found out the day I decided on that school. Was the brick the fact that I couldn’t pay my deposit or the fact that all they have offered me was a loan? Was the brick wall the amazing interview? If I wait until I get the real offer from Scholarship University, it would probably be “an offer you can’t refuse.”

I’m confused. I want to make a decision and at the same time I feel like I’m jumping the gun. I’ve been telling people that First Choice University was the one, but now I feel a bit lost. My friend told me I should make a pro con list, and I think that’s what I’ll do after I visit First Choice University this weekend.

 

Turning Tables – Adele

“Go to college, a university, get a real job.” That’s what they said to me…

6 Apr

I have a scholarship interview tomorrow at the school I wrote this essay for. I’m a semi-finalist, meaning that even before I walk in the door I have a 75% scholarship guaranteed. The catch is, I’ve already accepted admission at my first choice school. My future school has not offered me any money, I would have to live on campus, and I haven’t gotten into the program for my major, but I’m banking on it anyway. This might sound crazy. Why turn down the nearly guaranteed full ride? The school that is a stone’s throw from your front door? Well it’s simple. I know that I would never be happy at the scholarship school.

Ironically, tomorrow I’ll have to go to this interview and say the exact opposite. I’d make a great asset to the University of Scholarship because “When I’m involved in something like club XYZ at my community college I really put my heart into it. I’m dedicated and I will do whatever I can to make something happen when it comes to the things I’m passionate about.” What are my strengths and weaknesses? “Well they are one in the same really. I often take on too much because I my disposition is to be as helpful as I can be, but this often leads me  to a great deal of stress. In the end, I’m always able to complete whatever is thrown at me and I still find it hard to remind myself that a little less can be best.” Case in point: The whole reason I’m going to this interview. I have to do it because someone asked me to. I’m nervous about making a fool out of myself, but my community college advisor recommended that I go to keep up appearances with Scholarship University. I agreed, half-heartedly. So tomorrow at 11:05, I’ll sit in front of scholarship committee of 10! To sell myself, when I’m already sold on another school.

The Anthem – Good Charlotte

I could really use a wish right now*

7 Feb

Well, where were we?

Kerri’s has a wonderful post about PostSecret. There are tons of wonderful and raw anonymous comments about living with Diabetes. I shared mine there anonymously, but I’ll post it here too:

“Most days I’m okay with living with Type 1. But I hate that I’m only 19 and one of my biggest fears is whether or not Diabetes will prevent me from being a mom. I should be thinking about parties and boys!”

In other news. I’m doing pretty well with school. I just need to buckle down with study time. I’ve only got two academic classes and I definitely haven’t been dedicating my time appropriately to the required reading. I’m loving studio art for the most part, although drawing is very very frustrating. I’m learning Photoshop! Here’s my first creation: Duck Family Portrait.

I can’t wait to see where this semester takes me. There are so many opportunities for growth and learning. Things are a little up and down for me. I’ve been struggling a bit with adjusting to not seeing my friends and making new ones, but I think it will all be okay. It’s good practice for next year.

 

Here’s my favorite Super Bowl commercial:

 

*Airplanes – B.o.B. Featuring Haley Williams

Are you listening to a single word I’ve said?*

4 Feb

I’ve been thinking about something. I’m always shocked when people use different words for the same thing. Regional and familial terminology is fascinating, I mean hey there is a whole genre of chain emails related to it. I know that I have a few things I’ve taken from my mom’s central Pennsylvania upbringing and a few others that I’ve picked up from other people. Here are a few examples:

  • What do you call that fizzy drink in a can/bottle?

I call it soda. My friend from Nebraska calls it pop.

  • How about the way your skin feels when you are chilly or you hear someone sing a great song on American Idol?

Goosebumps! I’ve also heard: Chicken skin & goose pimples.

  • Another weird one. The thing that holds your hair style in place?

I call it a rubber band. I’ve heard: Ponytail, ponytail holder, and hair tie.

Here’s my favorite….

  • Those little crusty bits that form in the corners of your eyes while you sleep?

I call them sleepers. Alternates: Sleepies, crispies, sandies, eye boogers.

Have you ever encountered a term for something that has just caught you off guard? You’d just never thought someone would call it that.

I think one day I’ll record my funny pronunciations. Did you know that orange is pronounced with an Rrr? Well, at least that’s how I say it!

*Wordplay – Jason Mraz