I don’t want to be the girl who cried wolf on this one, but I’m pretty sure today is going to be the day my Nana dies. She’s in intensive care with pneumonia and lungs filled with fluid and a DNR order.
I just feel the need to write this down, to get it all out.
You see this is the first person who matters to me that is going to be passing away. I mean there have been countless elderly aunts and uncles over the years, but strangely because I didn’t see them often it didn’t mean much. It’s almost like they just drifted off and I forgot. Is that terrible? I’ve never even been to a funeral, just one memorial service last February for my best friend’s grandmother. I lost my dog in September, although it happened suddenly, it was my choice and he was suffering. Even though I know it was the right choice, I spend a good amount of time thinking I made the wrong decision. But this is a person I’ve known my whole life. I have no control. I know she has been suffering for so long. Her body is giving out, that’s what happens. We have had so many extra years and memories with her that were a gift. But I just keep thinking so many things.
I didn’t go to visit her at the hospital on Christmas, because I was tired, a bit angry, and I’d seen her in a slightly better state over Thanksgiving. I’d like to think she understands. No, I know she does because for all our differences she got me and all my quirks.
I sent the present I make specially for her every year, a calendar filled with pictures I’ve taken over the previous year. She’s not even going to make it though the first month, a yellow rose probably my best one chosen for just that reason (secretly).
I’m thinking about my mom. I hope she knows how much I love her. Her mom is her best friend. I’m extremely close to my mom, but not the way my mom is with her parents. I hope if anything this brings us closer together, because so far it’s just ripped us apart. As much as I would have loved to have spent the time with my mom in the car on weekends like we used to do, it wasn’t possible this time around for so many reasons. But I’m so glad my mom had all those weekends to sit in a room with my Nana as she told her stories of her stories of her past, my mom has that. What I wouldn’t give for a few more stories. God only knows what my mom wouldn’t give for a few more.
I’m thinking about my Pop Pop. He’s been living in their house alone since August, both of them hoping that she would one day come back. That’s not going to happen. He’s already so sad a shell of who he used to be, but that hope being gone, will break him. They’ve known each other since they were little kids. My Nana yelled at him for stealing her doormat to play in the street (a story I’ve heard so many times). They are my ideal. That house is the only other house I’m completely comfortable in. He’s lived in that house all his life. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. She should outlive him, it just would be better that way. What happens now? Does he move in with us? My uncle? Away from his siblings. His doctors. Does my mom keep spending long weekends there? Ultimately, what happens when it’s all over, and that house and that town aren’t the places we go in the summer, for holidays, for random weekends.
This is a transition I’ve never faced.
So I wait and there aren’t words for it.
Just a lot of tears I didn’t expect to fall.
My dad is leaving for the 3 hour drive.
I have to stay here and wait for my sister.
She doesn’t know.
I don’t know what to do.
I just want my mom.
My mom just wants her mom.
I’ll just hold on, close my eyes, and wait.
Because that’s what you do when you’re scared.
Is it over, yet?
“I Will Follow You Into The Dark” – Death Cab For Cutie