Can’t find the way ’cause the way is gone

I want to write so badly. I have so much that I need to say, and yet I don’t know know where to start. I’m so consumed by the things that are right in front of me that I can’t even approach what’s going on in my head. It’s easier to be quiet than to let myself share, and at the same time all I want to do is scream about what’s going on. I don’t even know what I’m talking about. I’m just so overwhelmed by everything and nothing at all. I’m just aimlessly shifting around the puzzle pieces of my life in the hopes that a solution will present itself.

Just for one night no one will ever know

So. I missed a day/two. Whoops. I spent Friday morning at school, the afternoon driving with friends to Philadelphia, and the evening at a concert. I spent today catching up on my sleep. So here’s a picture for today. Be back tomorrow.

Do it again, again, and again.

It’s Thursday. In my house that means Chipotle and Grey’s Anatomy. We call it Chipotle Thursday. I won’t be here tonight. I’ll be celebrating Thursday with friends watching the same show I could be watching at home. It’s funny, over time rituals morph. My mom and I started Chipotle Thursday. Then my sister would join during the weeks she was home. Now she’s temporarily living here, so she’s become the third amiga. When school started Chipotle Thursday became Grey’s Thursday. Sometimes at home, sometimes in my friends’ dorm room. Life is weird. The little things change right before your eyes.

 

PS. A year ago today Barack Obama was elected as the 44th President of the United States…where did that year go?

And you take me the way I am.

Such a cop out post. I lifted this from someone at some point and now I’ve finally filled it out.

1. Do you like bleu cheese? Only in dressing form…like with buffalo wings. And on this one burger I had at some restaurant. Otherwise it seems kind of gross.

2. Have you ever smoked? Nope and I don’t plan on it either.

3. Do you own a gun? No.

4. Favorite type of Food? I like American food…I’m very meat and potatoes.

5. Favorite type of music? I can appreciate all types of music. Sceamo to Country to Rap. ANYTHING.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? Gross.

7. Favorite Christmas movie? Miracle on 34^th Street.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? On school days Vitamin Water, other days whatever I find in the fridge. I don’t do coffee.

9. Can you do push ups? A few, I guess.

10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? I had this claddagh ring that my grandparents gave my mom and then she passed it down to me…but I lost it. I know it’s somewhere. I once lost it for 2 years and found it in my grandparents’ car. So I’m hoping for another miracle.

11. Favorite hobby? Well I have a craft room…so anything of that nature.

12. Do you have A. D. D.? Nope.

13. Do you wear glasses/contacts? Nope, but I do have a pair that I forced my eye doctor into letting me have for fashion purposes.

14. Middle name? Renee

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment: Hmm I like this song. I’m thirsty. I need to finish this thing.

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink: Diet anything. OJ. Vitamin Water.

17. Current worry? An English essay.

18. Current hate right now? School.

19. Favorite place to be? With friends.

20. How did you bring in the new year? Shit I can’t remember. I think my friend came over and we watched the ball drop on TV.

21. Someplace you’d like to go? Anywhere. Although I am not a huge fan of the hassles of flying so that limits the possibilities.

22. Name three people who will complete this. Every other blogger that stumbles upon it.

23. Do you own slippers? Nope, but I want some.

24. What color shirt are you wearing? Dark gray.

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Never tried them…seems sketchy.

26. Can you whistle? Yes. I can even do songs!

27. Where are you now? The dining room of my house.

28. Would you be a pirate? Nah. I do not enjoy the ocean.

29. What songs do you sing in the shower? Hmm I’m not much of a shower singer, but I usually come back to the 90’s boy bands.

30. Favorite Girl’s Name? Sloane

31. Favorite boy’s name? Jeremiah

32. What is in your pocket right now? My insulin pump.

33. Last thing that made you laugh? Telling stories over dinner.

34. What vehicle do you drive? Scion xB.

35. Worst injury you’ve ever had? I’ve never broken more than a toe, but I once slid a few feet on concrete after slipping on a doormat and lost the skin on my whole knee. It was very bloody.

36. Do you love where you live? Yeah, but I’ve never lived anywhere else so I always wonder what it would be like other places.

37. How many TVs do you have in your house? Like 5 maybe.

38. How many computers do you have in your house? At least 6.

39. If you changed your job, what would it be? I don’t have a job, so maybe just any job. Actually no, I want to host a radio show.

40. If you were granted three wishes, what would they be? World peace, more time with my grandparents, and enough resources to help those in need.

Manage me, I’m a mess

I skipped all my classes yesterday in an attempt to get on track with my workload. It was a failed attempt. I did part of an outline for something that’s due at the end of the semester and left everything else for today. Guess what I did today? Over slept, watched things on our DVR, and went out to lunch with a friend. So here’s my to do list for this week:

African American History
Catch up on reading…7 chapters. Whoops.
Outline for this weeks short essay question.
Continue to work on the outline for the final.

Psych 101
Read and take notes on 4 chapters.
Prepare for next week’s quiz.

English 101
Assigned Reading.
Prepare notes for in class essay (test grade).
Figure out what the hell my teacher is talking about during class.

Intro to Marketing
Read assigned chapter.
Complete Quiz.
Submit current event.
Complete case study.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I’m writing you a symphony of sound.

Before I get to where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to I want to explain a little something about this blog. For almost every post, I’ve used song lyrics for titles. When I started this blog it was my intention to compile a list at the end of each month of all the songs I had used into a playlist/post. That never happened. So here’s the play list from my previous entries. I had this blog for months and only wrote a handful of posts. Looking back on this short list of songs, I was so unhappy. I’m hoping for a better playlist at the end of this month. Something with a little more variety.

The songs start with my March 16, 2009 post and scatter from there.

1. Coffee Break – Forever The Sickest Kids
2. Honestly – Cartel
3. The Phrase That Pays – The Academy Is…
4. Down and Out – The Academy Is…
5. The Beauty In Ugly – Jason Mraz
6. Takes A Little Time – Amy Grant
7. Mama’s Room – Under the Influence of Giants
8. Tell You Something (Nana’s Reprise) – Alicia Keys
9. Graduation – Vitamin C

Hopefully I’ll have a full 30 song playlist at the end of this month! November starts with:

1. Man In The Mirror – Michael Jackson
2. The Mixed Tape – Jack’s Mannequin

No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer

Last night I saw Michael Jackson’s This Is It. Before I tell you about the film, I should tell you that I am in no way a huge Michael Jackson fan. Of course I know his most popular songs, the dance moves and the controversy, but who doesn’t? When he passed away this summer I didn’t cry, but I did watch the funeral on television. Basically, I’m that middle of the road Michael Jackson fan, but I never really understood his impact on pop culture until last night.

It all started when I walked into the theater with my mom and sister. I heard a little girl singing P.Y.T. along with the sound system. It caught me off guard, how did she know those lyrics? Because they were Michael’s, it’s that simple.

I don’t know how else to explain this movie, but to say that it was like watching the greatest quilt maker of all time hand-select and stitch every layer of fabric together piece by piece until he felt it was just right. Michael Jackson’s gift became so obvious to me as I watched. He was made for this. He could hear exactly what his band was doing wrong, and tell them how to fix it. He wanted the most out of everyone on his stage. He wanted to entertain his fans. When my mouth wasn’t full of nachos, it was hanging open in awe. If this 50 year old man could make magic in rehearsals where he wasn’t performing with his full voice or dancing, what would these shows have been like? For his eleven dancers, was this not like meeting and working with a god? I can’t think of a single performer today who doesn’t reference Michael Jackson as a major inspiration.

The other thing that struck me was Michael’s personality. Let’s face it, he was odd and this movie doesn’t really hide or highlight that fact. There was a strange innocence in the way that he dealt with the people around him. There was one scene that stood out towards the end, he sat in a directors’ chair eating a lollipop watching the dancers film videos to be used at the concerts. I finally understood the whole Peter Pan thing. I’ve always thought of Michael Jackson as a sort of alien, but I think this movie shows a totally different side. He was just a man who had a troubled life and an amazing gift to share with the world.

If you can, you should try to see this movie during it’s two week release. Try going in with no judgments, you might just come out surprised by your reaction.

I wrote this last night for no reason and realized that no one would ever read it because I’d left this blog here to rot. Well I’m back. I’m unofficially attempting NaBloPoMo. I’ve missed writing. So much has been going on. I’ve got at least a month to get it all written down. Here goes…

Graduation.

All of my friends are graduating today. I’m happy for them, so happy, but I’m sad for me. I’ve already cried once this morning, actually I’m crying right now. I’m supposed to be there in the blue cap and gown with them, not in the stands cheering their names. This day was supposed to be mine too. I knew today would always come, but I convinced myself I would be okay. That I would be able to deal with it. That I would be going for them. I will go for them. I will cheer and take pictures and hug each and everyone of them, but a little piece of me will be crying for the girl who was supposed to walk across that stage too. My best friends seat number is Seat 9 Row 19, my birthday is 9/19. She told me that it’s fate, that I’m there with her. I should be sitting next to her, instead I’ll be in the crowd with her sister. 

Prom!

Just thought some of you might want to see these…

In case you can’t tell from the pictures. I had an amazing time. I’m so grateful for my friends, and I’m so happy they made it possible to include me. I really couldn’t have asked for anything more. Enjoy the rest of your Memorial Day weekend.

I get so caught up everyday, trying to keep it all together

They say the first step is admitting that you have a problem.

I have a problem expressing myself to the people in my life.

Sadly, I know exactly why I am the way I am, but that doesn’t make it any easier to change. It’s one part learned behavior, one part life experience, one part personality. I come from a family that has had more memories made in crisis than peace. I’ve grown used to our “BANG! Now what?” way of life. I know how to ride the storm because I learned from the best, my mother.

The guidebook is fairly easy to follow…

Never tell anyone what’s going on. It’s a lot like Las Vegas…What happens in this family, stays in this family.

Never let them see the cracks. Everything is okay, even when it’s not.

If you do have to share anything, lie or tell as little as possible.

Do not burden anyone else with your problems. You are protecting them and yourself from unnecessary pain.

With a rulebook like that it makes sharing anything personal near impossible. You learn ways to keep people at a distance. I could teach a class in the art of avoidance and aloofness, but it’s not something I’m proud of. I’m so good that most people don’t even notice when they’ve told me their life story and they know nothing about me. But problems arise when someone figures out my scheme. Sometimes I wish I could be different, but change doesn’t happen over night. My past will always be a part of who I am. I don’t want to be trapped alone with my experiences, but sharing them is not something I’m comfortable with. I process things on my own, which is difficult for most people to understand. I could say, “I don’t need you,” but that would be a lie. I just don’t need you in the way you want me to need you. Letting people in is not my style, it has nothing to do with you. I am who I am. I can’t be who you want me to be right now, but everyday I try to be a better me. I hope that’s enough for you, for now.